Bargain
by Tecky
Summary: Jondy left - without a word or an explanation. But why? Well, sometimes the price you d have to pay for staying is just too high. Jondy s POV. J/Z frienship, maybe more. Oneshot up to now, but you never know... Please R n R


Oh, what would you say, if you could see me now. You´d propably just get spittingly mad, not understanding how I ´´could possibly have been so stupid´´. Well, it wasn´t really stupidity that´s gotten me here. I think of it as the price I just have to pay.

If you keep playing on the edge for years – you´re bound to slip one day. And this time, big brother, you aren´t here to catch me. I made sure of that.

What did you think, when you came by for your next little visit, and I was gone? Did you worry that ´´they´´ must have gotten me, or did you realize that than there would be traces? For them, there would have been no reason to clean up after themselves so thoroughly that you – even you – were unable to find any trace at all.

I doubted, I´d be able to do it. Oh, not because I didn´t trust my ability to make a clear exit. After all, that´s one of the things they trained us, bred us for. But I half expected my subconsience to fool me, for it to leave you some breadcrumps to follow, that would ultimately have allowed you to find me. But it´s been over a year now – 397 days to be exact – since that day and you still haven´t shown up. So I guess, I underestimated myself – something Im actually not that prone to do. But then again, that you know. How often have you berated me for being ´´too reckless´´, ´´risking too much´´ or something else along these lines?

I never minded your preaching, knowing that it was just you worry for me speaking.

I remember, when seeing you used to make me happier than anything. Do you remember finding me all these years ago, us recognizing each other the split second our eyes met? Even though it had been years since the day of our escape. You were changed and certainly so was I - both older, harder. But it was nowhere near enough to stop us from knowing who the other one was. Being with you again felt like this weird and hostile world finally made sense. Like you being there was enough to bring order to my chaos. I miss the times when things where still so easy. It´s funny how retrospection can change your perpective. Back then, I never would have called things easy. But somehow, as always, things have managed to become so much messier.

You told me to move one, without you of course. You had other things to do, other people to save. Well, I did what you told me to do. I packed up and moved. Again and again. Whenever you told me to.

The first months in a new city I´d pretty much spent just waiting for you to stop by. But then I´d start settling in. I´d find a job, meet new people, make friends– and then, when finally I´d managed to make a place for mysef, had gotten comfortable, started to feel like I might actually belong somewhere someday – that was always when you showed up. Telling me to start packing. Telling me to leave without ever looking back. Telling me to start over.

Do you have any clue how hard that is, starting over? Again and again? Do you?

I doubt it. You never allow yourself to feel comfortable anywhere. So I guess, you have never been sad to leave anywhere eíther. For you, any city is as good as the next.

Then, the last time you stopped by, and I knew, that you were – again – going to make me shatter any pretense, any delusion of a life, of an identity apart from me being a genetically engineered killing-machine on the run – for the first time in my life, I wasn´t happy to see you.

There was no ... no warmth, no joy, no nothing. That was why I had to go – to run without leaving myself the chance to turn back.

Are you still out there? Looking for me?

Or have they finally gotten you, risking your own security for one of us as you have so many times during the past years?

Or, even worse, have you given up on me? Somehow, that thought is hardest to bear. Maybe, because, even after all this time, I haven´t given up on you. I guess, that was my real reason for leaving, and not my wish to finally be able to settle somewhere.

If I wouldn´t still love you so much, big brother, what I felt – or rather didn´t feel – that day couldn´t have scared me so much. I HAD to leave, before the rest of my feelings for you died as well. One day, I would have – yes, I really would have started hating you. And that – no, with that I wouldn´t be able to live. You are so much a part of me, hating you would break me. There are some things one just cannot bare.

I don´t know how they managed to find me. For once, I was actually careful. Knowing, you wouldn´t be there to clean up my mess. And still, they found me.

More than anything I want to see you once more. To explain for what reasons I vanished. But now it´s too late for any of that. I can just hope, that they were brought here by some mistake, I don´t even realize making, and not by some new method of tracking us.

Take care of yourself, big brother. And take care of the others,too - if they let you.

We always agreed, we´d rather die than be brought back. And now it´s seems to be my time to do just that. So here I am, gun in my hand. Waiting for them to come for me. For once, there will be no knight in a leather jacket coming to my rescue.

But, brother, if that´s the price for not stopping to love you, I pay it gladly.


End file.
